Baby?!?!

Many of you already know why I am depressed most of the time, so don't feel obligated to read this... I just need to get some things off my chest.

As many of you know, Matt and I have been trying to have a baby now for almost 2 1/2 years...and I am starting to wonder and worry if we will ever have kids, I mean...Matt and I have both been promised kids, but when??? I know that things don't happen on my time...and that sucks...I hate it, but I need to know that there is hope for me. We have both been to the doctor and neither of us have anything known that could prevent us from having kids. I am just so upset. Wouldn't it be awesome if you could just pray for something...and you could get a specific answer, such as...not right now, but in approximately 2 months...wouldn't that be nice?? I think so.
Matt and I are not at the age where it has to happen now or it is never going to happen, but for us...we just keep wondering how much longer we are supposed to wait. It is KILLING us. Matt handles it better than I do, but it just seems like everything I ever thing about is having a baby. I know that if we come to a point that we can't physically have children that there are other options, but is it so wrong to want to have my own children? To be able to experience that? To know that the child that I am getting is a little piece of me and Matt?
I want a baby so bad...and then there are people out there that could care less if they have kids, or treat their kids like crap. I was adopted and my parents never hid that from me, so because of me being adopted I have always wanted to adopt a child and give it a second chance like I was given, but I want to do it AFTER I have my own children. It makes me so angry when I see pregnant people that are complaining about being pregnant. A friend of mine told me of a story that when her mother was in relief society a woman stood up and was complaining about various things that were wrong with her children, they were sick. Apparently, another woman behind the one that was complaining stood up and was unable to have children and said "what I wouldn't give to have a screaming child."
I always wanted to have kids young, and now that I am a little older I am REALLY grateful that I didn't because of things that I may not have gotten to do if I did have small children at home, I got to go to college which many women who have kids don't get to do, and many other things.

I know you are probably thinking that I am only 22 and have my whole life ahead of me, but having my own family is my life...I feel so empty, almost like I am missing something. You're right I am only 22, but alot of people don't have to try for 2 1/2 years, and every month cry and feel worthless. I just don't know if I should be worried or what??? Are Matt and I doing something wrong? Or are we doing something right and this is our test and trial in life?? I just have so many questions...I want to know why it isn't happening for us, and if it does happen WHEN?? I feel so alone...and although I know there are people out there that know exactly how I feel, I feel like nobody knows how I feel and what I am going through.

My Bubby!!!

So this last weekend Matt and I got to go to Illinois and see my family. It was so fun!! And it snowed while we were up there. And because we were up there for a specific reason...it brings me to my post that I have been slacking on for a couple weeks. My post is about P.J.

PJ and I have always had a special bond. We are both adopted and have always gotten along great...and gotten in trouble together because we got along so well. Anyways, Easter weekend was PJ's Eagle court of Honor. I can honestly say, I don't think I have ever been so proud of my brother. PJ has always just been my little brother...my bubby, but this last weekend it was like he grew up...overnight!! I don't know what happened.

I can't really say alot about PJ, but it seems like even for being so young..he is SO smart. PJ always gives me good advice and is always there to listen if I just need to talk...and if I need a laugh, for instance, this last weekend I was really depressed and after days of avoiding him, PJ finally got me to tell him what was wrong. I was complaining about having a baby and he told me to try..HELLO!!!! I said we are trying(he informed me that he didn't want to hear about that) and then said....Cristi...you always get what you want, just try harder. I said PJ....Matt and I can only try so hard, to which he restated, just try harder. See what I mean. PJ just turned 15 yesterday and I never thought I would be talking to him about having a baby. CRAZY!!! This last weekend was a blast with him though!!! I will post pictures as soon as I can, so stay tuned!!!