Many of you already know why I am depressed most of the time, so don't feel obligated to read this... I just need to get some things off my chest.
As many of you know, Matt and I have been trying to have a baby now for almost 2 1/2 years...and I am starting to wonder and worry if we will ever have kids, I mean...Matt and I have both been promised kids, but when??? I know that things don't happen on my time...and that sucks...I hate it, but I need to know that there is hope for me. We have both been to the doctor and neither of us have anything known that could prevent us from having kids. I am just so upset. Wouldn't it be awesome if you could just pray for something...and you could get a specific answer, such as...not right now, but in approximately 2 months...wouldn't that be nice?? I think so.
Matt and I are not at the age where it has to happen now or it is never going to happen, but for us...we just keep wondering how much longer we are supposed to wait. It is KILLING us. Matt handles it better than I do, but it just seems like everything I ever thing about is having a baby. I know that if we come to a point that we can't physically have children that there are other options, but is it so wrong to want to have my own children? To be able to experience that? To know that the child that I am getting is a little piece of me and Matt?
I want a baby so bad...and then there are people out there that could care less if they have kids, or treat their kids like crap. I was adopted and my parents never hid that from me, so because of me being adopted I have always wanted to adopt a child and give it a second chance like I was given, but I want to do it AFTER I have my own children. It makes me so angry when I see pregnant people that are complaining about being pregnant. A friend of mine told me of a story that when her mother was in relief society a woman stood up and was complaining about various things that were wrong with her children, they were sick. Apparently, another woman behind the one that was complaining stood up and was unable to have children and said "what I wouldn't give to have a screaming child."
I always wanted to have kids young, and now that I am a little older I am REALLY grateful that I didn't because of things that I may not have gotten to do if I did have small children at home, I got to go to college which many women who have kids don't get to do, and many other things.
I know you are probably thinking that I am only 22 and have my whole life ahead of me, but having my own family is my life...I feel so empty, almost like I am missing something. You're right I am only 22, but alot of people don't have to try for 2 1/2 years, and every month cry and feel worthless. I just don't know if I should be worried or what??? Are Matt and I doing something wrong? Or are we doing something right and this is our test and trial in life?? I just have so many questions...I want to know why it isn't happening for us, and if it does happen WHEN?? I feel so alone...and although I know there are people out there that know exactly how I feel, I feel like nobody knows how I feel and what I am going through.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
My Bubby!!!
So this last weekend Matt and I got to go to Illinois and see my family. It was so fun!! And it snowed while we were up there. And because we were up there for a specific reason...it brings me to my post that I have been slacking on for a couple weeks. My post is about P.J.
PJ and I have always had a special bond. We are both adopted and have always gotten along great...and gotten in trouble together because we got along so well. Anyways, Easter weekend was PJ's Eagle court of Honor. I can honestly say, I don't think I have ever been so proud of my brother. PJ has always just been my little brother...my bubby, but this last weekend it was like he grew up...overnight!! I don't know what happened.
I can't really say alot about PJ, but it seems like even for being so young..he is SO smart. PJ always gives me good advice and is always there to listen if I just need to talk...and if I need a laugh, for instance, this last weekend I was really depressed and after days of avoiding him, PJ finally got me to tell him what was wrong. I was complaining about having a baby and he told me to try..HELLO!!!! I said we are trying(he informed me that he didn't want to hear about that) and then said....Cristi...you always get what you want, just try harder. I said PJ....Matt and I can only try so hard, to which he restated, just try harder. See what I mean. PJ just turned 15 yesterday and I never thought I would be talking to him about having a baby. CRAZY!!! This last weekend was a blast with him though!!! I will post pictures as soon as I can, so stay tuned!!!
PJ and I have always had a special bond. We are both adopted and have always gotten along great...and gotten in trouble together because we got along so well. Anyways, Easter weekend was PJ's Eagle court of Honor. I can honestly say, I don't think I have ever been so proud of my brother. PJ has always just been my little brother...my bubby, but this last weekend it was like he grew up...overnight!! I don't know what happened.
I can't really say alot about PJ, but it seems like even for being so young..he is SO smart. PJ always gives me good advice and is always there to listen if I just need to talk...and if I need a laugh, for instance, this last weekend I was really depressed and after days of avoiding him, PJ finally got me to tell him what was wrong. I was complaining about having a baby and he told me to try..HELLO!!!! I said we are trying(he informed me that he didn't want to hear about that) and then said....Cristi...you always get what you want, just try harder. I said PJ....Matt and I can only try so hard, to which he restated, just try harder. See what I mean. PJ just turned 15 yesterday and I never thought I would be talking to him about having a baby. CRAZY!!! This last weekend was a blast with him though!!! I will post pictures as soon as I can, so stay tuned!!!
Friday, February 29, 2008
Kameron Grace!!!
K....first of all...I am excited to say that I just bought mine and Matts tickets to go see my parents for Easter!!!! We haven't been out there before so this should be fun! I am really excited!!
Now onto more important things.
Kami was always the peacemaker in our home. If someone was fighting, Kami would always try to calm the storm and get things figured out. Most of the time when it was me fighting it worked because I got so mad at Kami that I stopped being mad at whomever I was fighting with. I don't think I really appreciated my sister as much as I should have until she got her mission call. Up until that point she was just my sister...but once she got her mission call, it was like she was a real person...one that I should look up to and love. At the time that Kami got her call(this is going to sound so funny... because AGAIN...I tricked someone into thinking I knew what I was doing!!!) I was going to Beauty School and Kami said that I could practice doing her nails. I was so excited because little did she know that I went to 1 day of my nail class and ditched the rest. But I led her to believe that I knew what I was doing. To make a long story short, I think I did 5 nails, all of which were about an inch thick and 4 of which didn't even make it to the next day before falling off. Kami being the awesome person that she is...told me that if I practiced more, she would let me do her nails when she got back. Kami also was always willing to let me practice doing stuff to her hair(not cutting though, I guess she learned from the nail story!! Or coloring either) So basically she always let me style her hair. When I was thinking about going to Beauty School, I didn't really tell anyone because Sara was a nurse, and Kami went to school for something about Dental stuff, so I felt like my job, in comparison to theirs, would be a joke. But once I got to do Kami's hair...she made me feel like my job was just as important as her job, and Sara's job.
I don't really have a lot of memories with Kami...but she has always been there for me. When Matt and I decided to get married...she told me I was dumb...but then she took pictures for us and she did my hair...that's just the kind of person that Kami is, whether she agrees with you or not...she will stand by your side. She has always been the person in the family that would give everything that she has to make you happy...she always let me get into her make-up, she let me steal her clothes, and her shoes.
I miss my sister though. She is living in St. Louis with my parents...and I never thought I would miss her as much as I do. I am SO excited to go visit my family!!!!
Now onto more important things.
Kami was always the peacemaker in our home. If someone was fighting, Kami would always try to calm the storm and get things figured out. Most of the time when it was me fighting it worked because I got so mad at Kami that I stopped being mad at whomever I was fighting with. I don't think I really appreciated my sister as much as I should have until she got her mission call. Up until that point she was just my sister...but once she got her mission call, it was like she was a real person...one that I should look up to and love. At the time that Kami got her call(this is going to sound so funny... because AGAIN...I tricked someone into thinking I knew what I was doing!!!) I was going to Beauty School and Kami said that I could practice doing her nails. I was so excited because little did she know that I went to 1 day of my nail class and ditched the rest. But I led her to believe that I knew what I was doing. To make a long story short, I think I did 5 nails, all of which were about an inch thick and 4 of which didn't even make it to the next day before falling off. Kami being the awesome person that she is...told me that if I practiced more, she would let me do her nails when she got back. Kami also was always willing to let me practice doing stuff to her hair(not cutting though, I guess she learned from the nail story!! Or coloring either) So basically she always let me style her hair. When I was thinking about going to Beauty School, I didn't really tell anyone because Sara was a nurse, and Kami went to school for something about Dental stuff, so I felt like my job, in comparison to theirs, would be a joke. But once I got to do Kami's hair...she made me feel like my job was just as important as her job, and Sara's job.
I don't really have a lot of memories with Kami...but she has always been there for me. When Matt and I decided to get married...she told me I was dumb...but then she took pictures for us and she did my hair...that's just the kind of person that Kami is, whether she agrees with you or not...she will stand by your side. She has always been the person in the family that would give everything that she has to make you happy...she always let me get into her make-up, she let me steal her clothes, and her shoes.
I miss my sister though. She is living in St. Louis with my parents...and I never thought I would miss her as much as I do. I am SO excited to go visit my family!!!!
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Can you guess who this is for???? Hehe!!
So, just to mix things up a little bit, before I tell you who the next person is....I want to see if you can guess it. I will give you 3 clues, and you do the rest!!!
1. This person was my very best friend growing up...
2. This person(to his dismay)was in the same grade as me in school....
Does anyone know who I am talking about yet?????
3. This person is only 9 months older than me......
K, if you haven't guessed yet, this entry is for Danny.
Danny has always...and pretty much still is, been there for me. I of course used to always like his friends...(isn't that what younger sisters do???) Anyways, one time in 9th grade I REALLY liked one of his friends who we will call....Steve. Well Steve had a friend, who we will call....Karl, and Karl liked me but I didn't like him so he tried to get in the way of me and Steve. Well, I remember one day I came out of Seminary and Karl called me a really awful and hurtful name, and of course...there was my brother right when I needed him. He was the first person that I ran to. I told Danny what Karl had called me, and I half expected Danny to tell me to just ignore him and forget about it, but he didn't. Danny went up to Karl and basically told him off. I seriously thought Danny was going to kill Karl, but he didn't. That is just one memory.
Another memory that I have of Danny is going to a school dance with him and Rachel. I didn't know my date very well so they doubled with us(actually...they had to because my parents wouldn't let me go if they didn't...another time that my brother stepped in to save me). Anyways, we went to a little place called Islands for dinner, and because I felt so uncomfortable, Danny and Rachel sat there the entire time just making me laugh. Ah...Good times.
To be honest, I don't really have a memory without Danny in it. As we are getting older we are growing apart, but I still have these things that I will always hold on to...and I know that even if Matt called me something or did something to hurt me, Danny would be right there for me to go and cry on his shoulder. Thanks Danny, it has meant the world to me!!
1. This person was my very best friend growing up...
2. This person(to his dismay)was in the same grade as me in school....
Does anyone know who I am talking about yet?????
3. This person is only 9 months older than me......
K, if you haven't guessed yet, this entry is for Danny.
Danny has always...and pretty much still is, been there for me. I of course used to always like his friends...(isn't that what younger sisters do???) Anyways, one time in 9th grade I REALLY liked one of his friends who we will call....Steve. Well Steve had a friend, who we will call....Karl, and Karl liked me but I didn't like him so he tried to get in the way of me and Steve. Well, I remember one day I came out of Seminary and Karl called me a really awful and hurtful name, and of course...there was my brother right when I needed him. He was the first person that I ran to. I told Danny what Karl had called me, and I half expected Danny to tell me to just ignore him and forget about it, but he didn't. Danny went up to Karl and basically told him off. I seriously thought Danny was going to kill Karl, but he didn't. That is just one memory.
Another memory that I have of Danny is going to a school dance with him and Rachel. I didn't know my date very well so they doubled with us(actually...they had to because my parents wouldn't let me go if they didn't...another time that my brother stepped in to save me). Anyways, we went to a little place called Islands for dinner, and because I felt so uncomfortable, Danny and Rachel sat there the entire time just making me laugh. Ah...Good times.
To be honest, I don't really have a memory without Danny in it. As we are getting older we are growing apart, but I still have these things that I will always hold on to...and I know that even if Matt called me something or did something to hurt me, Danny would be right there for me to go and cry on his shoulder. Thanks Danny, it has meant the world to me!!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Rachel
The first time I met Rachel, she didn't know that I was related to Danny. She was in one class with me and one class with Danny, we obviously had the same last name....but she never put 2 and 2 together, so when she found out that we were related...it was hilarious!!!!! Rachel has always been there no matter what, whether she agreed with me or not. One funny memory I have of Rachel(which is also how she got the nickname Smurf) was on Valentines day. She was supposed to go out with Danny and for whatever reason she wanted BLUE hair. SO I convinced her that I totally knew how to color hair(I lied in case none of you know!!!) So we went and bought the color, I put it on her hair, her skin, the kitchen sink, myself, her clothes, pretty much everything. I got halfway done with her hair and there was the doorbell. It was Danny!!! To make a long story short, Danny had to talk to Rachel's dad for about 30 minutes by himself, and Rachel was late...because of me.
If that wasn't bad enough...she kept coming back for more. One time I was trying to bleach her hair...(I am laughing just thinking about it)and we ran out of bleach, but of course all the beauty supply stores were closed, and I didn't have my drivers license so we went to Wal-Mart with her hair half done. Ah...funny times!!
The last time that I remember that really meant a lot to me was when Matt and I were getting ready to go through the Temple, I had this really specific dress that I wanted(which was really impossible to make) and Rachel went and bought the pattern, all the fabric, and everything else that was needed...and she offered to make my dress for me. (I don't know how to sew very well) Well...turns out the pattern was just a Little(a lot) too small for me. We did whatever we could to make it work..but it didn't.
So for Rachel...I love you and I know that you were supposed to be part of my family. I am so glad that you are my sister.
If that wasn't bad enough...she kept coming back for more. One time I was trying to bleach her hair...(I am laughing just thinking about it)and we ran out of bleach, but of course all the beauty supply stores were closed, and I didn't have my drivers license so we went to Wal-Mart with her hair half done. Ah...funny times!!
The last time that I remember that really meant a lot to me was when Matt and I were getting ready to go through the Temple, I had this really specific dress that I wanted(which was really impossible to make) and Rachel went and bought the pattern, all the fabric, and everything else that was needed...and she offered to make my dress for me. (I don't know how to sew very well) Well...turns out the pattern was just a Little(a lot) too small for me. We did whatever we could to make it work..but it didn't.
So for Rachel...I love you and I know that you were supposed to be part of my family. I am so glad that you are my sister.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
For Ryan
I decided last night that every day I am going to post one new thing about someone in my family that means something to me...that maybe they don't know is something that I have held on to...so I started with Sara yesterday, and today I am going to do Ryan...so here goes.
I don't know if you guys know this but Ryan and I are like.....oil and water, we don't exactly mix well, and we never have. So one day I was feeling really crapy about myself(seems to happen a lot...I know, but bare with me) anyways, Ryan was on his mission and I think I had written him maybe like 3 letters, anyways, I came home from school and usually my parents got the mail and then gave our stuff to us, but I looked on the table and much to my suprise, there was a single letter addressed to me, from Ryan. I was really shocked and a little bit leary to open it, but I did anyways. I started reading it and I just remember starting to cry. I had made a C.D. for all of the missionaries that I knew of me playing some of my favorite songs, and my brother had actually taken the time to listen to it. I was so shocked. Ryan commented on my C.D. and I just remember thinking, my brother probably has so many things he could have been doing or listening to, and he picked my C.D. He also apologized for us not getting along our entire life. This may seem like something stupid to you, but it meant the world to me. I actually keep the letter in my scrapbook, I don't think anybody else in my family even knows that I got the letter. I am so grateful that even though it may just be a letter....it is something that I constantly can look at and know that even when my brother is being a jerk, I have proof that he does love me and knows that I am his sister forever.
I don't know if you guys know this but Ryan and I are like.....oil and water, we don't exactly mix well, and we never have. So one day I was feeling really crapy about myself(seems to happen a lot...I know, but bare with me) anyways, Ryan was on his mission and I think I had written him maybe like 3 letters, anyways, I came home from school and usually my parents got the mail and then gave our stuff to us, but I looked on the table and much to my suprise, there was a single letter addressed to me, from Ryan. I was really shocked and a little bit leary to open it, but I did anyways. I started reading it and I just remember starting to cry. I had made a C.D. for all of the missionaries that I knew of me playing some of my favorite songs, and my brother had actually taken the time to listen to it. I was so shocked. Ryan commented on my C.D. and I just remember thinking, my brother probably has so many things he could have been doing or listening to, and he picked my C.D. He also apologized for us not getting along our entire life. This may seem like something stupid to you, but it meant the world to me. I actually keep the letter in my scrapbook, I don't think anybody else in my family even knows that I got the letter. I am so grateful that even though it may just be a letter....it is something that I constantly can look at and know that even when my brother is being a jerk, I have proof that he does love me and knows that I am his sister forever.
Monday, February 25, 2008
For Sara
So after my selfishness from yesterday wore off about 11:00 last night, I was still pretty upset about my life, so I decided that before I waste any more time wondering why....I should spend my time on better things. So I did my personal scripture reading. It has been something that I have really struggled with and I am finally getting back in the habit. So I was reading in 2 Nephi and it was talking about being blessed, and I decided that I am just not looking in the right direction. It is so easy to see the bad things that we often forget about the good things. I was reading my sisters and my sister in law's pages and I was just so....in shock, I mean these women have been through something that no person should ever have to go through...and I am complaining that my life is bad?? How is that fair? I mean...sure, today I am still a little sad that my life isn't where I want it to be...but isn't that because of the choices that I have made? I don't have the greatest relationship with my family...and I think it is partly because I haven't tried as hard as maybe I should be. I was thinking of my family though last night...and I have so many memries of one of my sisters in particular...Sara. When I was younger...I was a pain in the butt(hard to believe...I know!!!) But no matter how stupid I was being and immature...when I would get in a fight with my mom, it was always Sara that took me out. We didn't do anything like unforgettable...but she wanted to take me...she offered. She just wanted to help me. I also remember at Womens Conference in 2005, it was me, nana, mom, and Sara, and it was Sara that shared a room with me, and that went to all the classes that I wanted to go to...not because she wanted to go to the class, but because she wanted to be with me.
My entire life, I have felt that I am not as good as my siblings, that I don't quite belong. And yesterday, while I was thinking about old times...there were times that I wasn't as good as them, but it was because of me, not them. I am so glad that I have the chance to be a part of the family that I have. We may fight at times...but I know that no matter what is going on in their lives or in mine, they would kill for me, and I would do the same for them.
Last night I was saying my personal prayers...and I was just sobbing because I felt so touched. You know...like the feeling you get when someone hugs you. I just felt like my daddy was hugging me, I love my daddy more than anything, I mean...don't get me wrong, I love my mom too, I just was always a daddy's girl...and I don't think that my dad would be very happy with what I am doing with my life. I try not to let anyone know that something is wrong. I don't want anyone to tell me that I am wrong for feeling the way I do, but even when my dad tells me, it is different...I actually listen. Anyways....long story short...I had my awakening, so take advantage of it while it lasts...because it may not be for very long!!!
My entire life, I have felt that I am not as good as my siblings, that I don't quite belong. And yesterday, while I was thinking about old times...there were times that I wasn't as good as them, but it was because of me, not them. I am so glad that I have the chance to be a part of the family that I have. We may fight at times...but I know that no matter what is going on in their lives or in mine, they would kill for me, and I would do the same for them.
Last night I was saying my personal prayers...and I was just sobbing because I felt so touched. You know...like the feeling you get when someone hugs you. I just felt like my daddy was hugging me, I love my daddy more than anything, I mean...don't get me wrong, I love my mom too, I just was always a daddy's girl...and I don't think that my dad would be very happy with what I am doing with my life. I try not to let anyone know that something is wrong. I don't want anyone to tell me that I am wrong for feeling the way I do, but even when my dad tells me, it is different...I actually listen. Anyways....long story short...I had my awakening, so take advantage of it while it lasts...because it may not be for very long!!!
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